holding steady.™

i just ordered my moo cards. i’m going to be more serious about my photography as of whenever they get here.

i’ve got two jobs lined up this year so far, and this is before the cards even get here. I even had to turn down a job last week, because i wasn’t going to be able to make the time.

things are happening. this is exciting.

i’m not the sort of person who believes in luck, or good fortune, or coincidence, or any of the “little bits of magic” responsible for the pleasant things that happen to us on any given day. that being said, i’m also a believer in God, and in everything having a purpose and a reason for existing. yesterday, i had the sort of afternoon that really strengthens such belief.

after spending some long-overdue time visiting with a friend of mine (who is also moving to gainesville in august), i came home only to be met with that most stressful of beast, Money Issues™. sallie mae, that bane of everyone’s existence, gave me a prerecorded call to gently remind to get my shit together. i’ve been really avoiding them and hoping that they would just go away and let me be since may, but i knew i had to deal with them eventually. part of why i’d been making the poor decision to close my eyes and run from the room is because, as the date looms closer and closer, i’ve begun to note how expensive it can be to move, even if it’s only 300 miles from my house.

in any event, i got on the horn with them, and then just paid them. immediately after i hung up, i began to panic, not knowing how and when i would be able to make up that money. i had created a very strict budget so that every thing would work out in spades, and to be totally honest, i really did not factor in sallie mae. so, soon after my anxiety attack set in, my mom asked me what i was going to do with my car (that doesn’t really move from our front drive). after thanking her for the idea, i called a number, and a guy in a pickup truck showed up an hour later and handed me cash for my car, enough to cancel out the sallie mae transaction.

i sat down to readjust my budget, again, when i on a lark decided to go to my web hosting website, hostmonster. that was another part of my budget. i expected the bill to be a couple of hundred dollars, but realized that i could renew for a shorter time, and could spend much less money until i had more cash-on-hand. finally, after all that, i called my apartment complex in gainesville to check and see what my rent was supposed to be, since i have no kind of memory whatsoever…only to discover that my rent is actually $250 less than i thought it would be for the first month, because of a dumb argument that i let my mother win about two months ago (that’s a much longer story than anyone has time for).

all of this adds up, not to coincidence or serendipity, nor to karmic vibrations moving about in my favor, nor to the arbitrary dialectics of my horoscope for the day. as far as i am concerned, none of that means anything at all. i have someone who looks out for me, and who exists above the realm of human understanding. the random grace that comes our way has a source, and that source is why we’re here. today is a good day, because i have a greater appreciation for God than i have in some time.

i recently came into possession of the penguin dictionary of symbols. on a lark this morning, i opened up to the entry on ‘tattooing,’ and learned a bit about the symbolic nature of marking one’s body to the ancient Chinese and adaptative clans and groups, and how it can be used as an identifications mechanism, for (an arguably sentient) divine power and for humanity at large.

i also read the following, which made me stop and think about the four tattoos that i have:

Identification always carries a double meaning: it tends to invest the individual concerned with the properties and strength of the creature or thing to which that person is assimilated and, at the same time, to immunize the latter against its potential power to cause harm…identification also carries the sense of surrender or even of consecration to whatever the tattoo symbolically depicts. It then become a badge of fealty.

given that sentiment, i have surrendered to the continent of Africa, the common humanity that binds us all, to the confusion that comes with death (as well as the nature of infinite possibility), & to love. there isn’t a greater value to taking stock in what you have chosen to make sacred in your own mind, but knowing that you have is important.

as of friday, there are some pretty big changes in the tentative plan i had for my life. but there is something about the unexpected that evokes a sense of the ethereal in you. plans falling through, other things working out, and all of it working out in a way that makes your mother happy…it’s all a bit confusing to take in, especially since my mother is so hard to please. but ultimately, it’s not about what you thought your life was going to be like. this is life, very rarely do things work out exactly the way you expect them to. but in the meantime, you have to make it a point to embrace “the new thing” with as much gusto as is reasonably expected. it’s all you can do. and at least that way, you’re disappointed less.

• water (during drinking is best, acceptable to consume when one wakes up)
• orange juice (or gatorade)
• pepto bismal
• excedrin migraine
• chicken soup
• sleep
• the x-files

i fucked myself really badly by getting so incredibly drunk on saturday. i will say this: it was worth it. pride day was even better than i could have imagined, and it was the best party i’ve ever been to/the most fun i’ve ever had going out.

pictures to come…

[update: miami pride 2009]

i was taking out the garbage this morning (and let me tell you, daylights savings is still messing with me, because it feels like 5am) and i saw the strangest thing. there was a bird walking around in my driveway. it struck me as aimless, with nowhere to go. it would walk six or seven steps (really, hops) and then fly for about a foot. this could have had something to do with the rain, but it was just odd to watch. at some point, it turned its head and saw me, and started taking bigger hops and longer flights. then i couldn’t see it anymore (i’m almost sure it ran into the big tree in my neighbor’s yard).

but the broader point is: that little bird needed a push. i was his push, but he needed an impetus to do more and to be more. i feel a lot like that little bird these days…

i wear the exact outfit (or some very reasonable facsimile/variation thereof) every single day. I have a pair of gap railroad trousers (that’s the name) and clarks’ desert trek brown beeswax boots. everyday. the top can vary, usually a long-sleeved t-shirt from the gap under or on top of a regular t-shirt. sometimes i mix it up with a polo shirt, or if it’s particularly hot, there won’t be any layering. sometimes i’ll bring a sweater (usually a hoodie).

i’m trying to make a broader point, about how having a very specific routine that you rarely deviate from puts you in a unique position to observe others from what could be called an objective standpoint. but, at the same time that i try to make this point, i feel less compelled than ever about the existence of an objective reality. i’ll go ahead and make the point anyways.

so, we champion being unbiased, being “post-/bipartisan.” in that same spirit, i’ve begun to observe people that i interact with as an employee of a non-profit organization. people are visibly strange. i notice this because since i am the same all the time, i can use myself as a control. i think there might be an inherent flaw to this logic, and i’ll solve it thusly: i amend my statement. people are really just strange in relation to me.

we’ve had a (very) recent passing in the family. the past 12 hours, actually. it’s thrown me off kilter.

it’s been a rough and tumble couple of weeks for me.
but i’ve come up with some fortunate truisms, which is sort of the redeeming grace of any and all circumstances.
-all criticism should be welcome. most criticism is rooted in fact, though opinion plays a big part.
-listening to someone telling you all the things that they hate about you, and how these things make you unappealing to them, is really conducive to a slackening of the emotional hold that someone may have had over you.
-sometimes, there is nothing quite as freeing as a dramatic haircut.
-never assume that something is too small to bring a little happiness to the day.
-listen to alice walker at all times. (see quote that is the title of this post)

i’ll be back in the swing of things by january. and i MIGHT have an excellent surprise in store…

under normal circumstances, i would probably post this on my private blog, just for me to look at and make myself think.
but i made a really good analogy about 12 hours ago, and it’s worth repeating.
as far as my last relationship is concerned, i was stuck in the ring after it was over, just sort of lying on the mat indefinitely. there was a lot of senseless crying, depression, a dangerous eating habit and general apathy towards all things. given that, about a week ago, i was emailing The Wife about a shift in perception that i’ve had. i basically grew tired of looking at myself the way i was.
coincidentally, about two days before this realization, i had a phone conversation with The Girl that was totally civil. i think i blogged about that. somewhere in there, i realized that i can have love for this person, tremendous love, and not be all hung up on the past and stuck in a rut as far as the rest of my life is concerned. i’ll love her forever, but it’s been time to move on for a while.
over the thanksgiving break, we’ve talked a lot, spent a lot of hours on the phone. in our own way, we’ve been catching up. then, at about 3am this morning, we talked again. in the course of all this talking, she mentioned the limbo status of a relationship, and how she and that person were trying to patch things up. in the moment where i said (and meant) that i wished the best for her, i got up off the mat, and got out of the ring.
and yeah, i told her about the whole process of moving on in my head, because she knows me better than anyone, and not talking to her has been a part of what’s been driving me crazy. and sure, some parts of it were a little awkward, if only because those most intimate parts of her aren’t a part of our relationship anymore, since the whole nature of that monster has changed. but, all in all, i’m feeling good and not conflicted about the entire thing.
it’s a good and healthy first step. i’ve learned very hard lessons, but i also think i got to keep my friend.

my job is finally starting to get a little hectic, in a way that i like.

my grad school applications are starting to get serious. i’ve already begun stalking folks for recommendations, and so far, so good.

i took the GRE on Saturday. it went, shall we say…well. very well.

i had to break down and buy a new iphone, since the old iphone cracked in the screen and was starting to suffer serious lags in performance. plus that battery sucks major donkey schlong. the new one is awesome and sexy, even more so since i got another incase slider case (pics going up on flickr, i’ll link back here when i do that.). the matte finish, plus the anti-glare screen protector, makes Henrietta the Great even better than her predecessor, Henrietta I.

the Girl is talking to me again. in the wake of what would have been a less-than-stellar evening of me drinking, though i’ve sworn to never do it again, i called her on a whim (the whole time thinking that i never can get ahold of her unless i’m inebriated), and she picked up and we talked for a while and it was like paradise, because nothing of before mattered or really even came up. it was just catching up. who’s to say if or when it will happen again? i’m not stressing it, because it’s a big but gentle step in the right direction.

i’m starting to be able to see the end of what was once a very dense cloud of depression and desperation. i’ve got more hope than i used to.

OH AND DID I MENTION THAT BARACK OBAMA IS THE FUCKING PRESIDENT-ELECT?!?!