i miss the passion.
the song of choice for the evening is one that comes up for me pretty frequently. it’s on a very *special* playlist of mine, but it’s also become my favorite song by Van Hunt, one of those artists that i love but who has never gotten the proper respect for creating such perfect music.
this song is about passion, plain and simple. the chorus suggests that the perfection of heaven wouldn’t be enough for the singer to replace the passionate relationship that he has with his lover. i never thought i’d be able to replicate a feeling like that, but the past few weeks have revealed a lot about me to myself.
(chorus)
i think of saving myself
because with nothing to complain about in heaven
what will i do?
i think of saving myself
but i really wanna work this out
down here in hell with you.
i cut ties (we’ll see how long for) with someone recently with whom i shared such a tempestuous connnection…the thing was always up or down, bipolar beyond a reasonable doubt but also beyond repair. who i am will be forever shaped (or marred, more likely) by this thing, and how long it went on. but i can say this: it was never boring. there was no certainty, the fighting was pretty constant and usually ridiculous, the viciousness could be particularly biting and the emotions were always sharper than any blade could ever hope to be. but i never could predict what the next day would bring, and though there’s a sick irony to this, i’ll always yearn for that feeling.
i don’t know if we were perfect for each other because we’re such a failure together, or if it was just the most cataclysmic series of unfortunate events. i don’t even know if on any level we like each other, certainly probably not anymore. i do know that there isn’t a feeling in the world that can be replicated as impossibly as that sensation, that willingness to give it all up for this thing that feels like it’s killing you, and that hurts and break you at every turn…but that makes you feel so alive that you want to die.
(that’s probably the most emo and tragic wording i could have possibly put to this, but it gets the point across.)
when i look at the way things are right now, today, monday night…i wonder if the possibility exists that i’ve once again involved myself with someone who is like me in the worst ways, and dislike me in the worst ways. see, that’s a mistake i’ve already made. the idea of repeating it is pretty distressing…but i like who i’m with, even when it makes me feel things that i don’t like to feel.
there’s a lot of potential for that, because i generally hate how i feel when i’m in a relationship with anyone. i hate that my emotions are subject to whether or not a person calls or text messages me that day. i hate that i have to share this person that i’m crazy about with the rest of the world….but i tell myself it’s ok. because that’s how being in like, and consequently, how being in love, works.
i keep thinking about saving myself by never being in a relationship again, and how no one should have to deal with my shitty emotional trust issues, and how the most kind thing for everyone involved would be to avoid hurting myself by getting into these emotion-ships. but it would appear that i’ve already screwed that up. because i’m into this one. i like this one a lot.
