an aria about a breakup
(written under truly unpleasant circumstances which have, at the time of this posting, been fully resolved.)
What’s wrong?
Well, I quite simply hate myself today.
Why, a good bit of purging is just what you need! We’ll heal that GAY right out of you!
…Even the men of Sodom…called out unto Lot and said, Where are the men which came in to thee this night? Bring them out unto us, that we may know them.
I bought us both a bracelet.
That is, we were to each have one.
I lost mine, and never gave her hers.
Were we doomed from the start?
Reaching out to her,
I felt a great sucking in my chest,
A gaping, oozing wound that threatens to ravish my whole being.
It causes me to cry.
…Thou shalt not lie with mankind, as with womankind. It is abomination.
A more abysmal way to be
Had never before been imagined.
One day, to feel so sure
The next, to feel naked in front of an army of flame-throwers
Would that I could see some end to it.
Would that there were some reprieve on the horizon.
But no, more condemnation leaps forth
From the ink from this pen, right off the page, into my eye.
Egg on my face. I am actually a fool.
If a man also lie with mankind, as he lieth with a woman, both of them have committed an abomination; they shall surely be put to death, their blood shall be upon them.
It ended like the last curtain call
To the last showing
Of what was once a truly great stage piece.
It never felt less like it was than it did that last time.
And you sit, you wonder, you imagine
Is it possible, plausible, within the realm of reason
Can it be that anyone is this selfish?
Can anyone cause this fracture of your soul with such ease?
Maybe it’s your soul that’s the problem.
There shall be no whore of the daughters of Israel, nor a sodomite of the sons of Israel…for even both of these are abomination unto the Lord thy God.
I begged her.
After all the betrayal and the temptation and the guilt and the torment, I begged.
I plead for a fraction of what I deserve.
I felt cheap, used, like less than a person when she said no.
I felt…like the other woman.
All this hatred can’t be healthy.
A mere four hours ago, make that 24…
I had such love, such unconditional affection for her.It’s easy if you think about it.
She has this gorgeous ability to make you feel like you’re flying.
Wherefore God also gave them up to uncleanliness through the lusts of their own hearts, to dishonor their own bodies between themselves…for this cause God gave them up unto vile affections: for even to their women did change the natural use into that which is against nature. And likewise also the man, leaving the natural use of the woman burned in their lust one toward another; men with men working that which is unseemly and receiving in themselves that recompense of their error…
I’ve been thinking in dots.
Spots of thought have flooded me for hours, snow in the desert.
I’ve wished only for clarity.
I’ve wished only for silence, for peace.
It seems like the pain is never-abating.
It’s a sickness, a storm, a cesspool.
To be free is as simple as uncluttering the noise in my eyes.
Everything makes my heart stop, my limbs freeze and tingle, my throat choke with the force of all my nerves.
But I love her.
